


Karma and Instant Friends

by Teardropfires



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Crack, Derek Hale is Bad at Feelings, M/M, Not Beta Read, Shrek AU, and google, scented candles, so he uses self help books
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-30
Updated: 2014-03-30
Packaged: 2018-01-17 14:42:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1391494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Teardropfires/pseuds/Teardropfires
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Derek Hale just wants a normal life, or at least a break from his very unlucky one. He wants to go grocery shopping, take bubble baths with scented candles, and do art and crafts with pieces of fruit -- basically everything in the self-help books he bought.</p><p>He does not have time for your shit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Karma and Instant Friends

**Author's Note:**

> All I was trying to do was find a nice mindless movie to watch while I cleaned my room. Then this happened. Damn you Shrek. 
> 
> PS. it's not really a Shrek AU but I got the idea from this scene if it helps. http://youtu.be/UBf1lUiK5SE

Derek really can’t believe his luck sometimes. Like seriously who else on the planet was lacking this much in the luck department.

To name a few of his misfortunes: most of his family died in a huge house fire started by his psycho ex girlfriend. His only surviving sister was killed by their only other surviving  family member, AND he lives in an old, abandoned train station because he kept getting rained on at the old family house and WAS NOT going to patch _another_ hole.

With all that going for him, not to mention his crazy, power hungry, alpha uncle trying to kill him every few weeks, he feels like he deserves a bit of a break sometimes. Fate does not.

That’s the only logical explanation for his current situation.

His Stiles situation.

 

oOo

 

He’s minding his own business, just walking home from the grocery store one night, his arms ladled with reusable shopping bags (because one of his self-help books said something about nature and karma going hand-in-hand) when a kid runs into him, literally smacks right against him, and makes him drop half of his bags.

“Ow! What the HELL ...dId I just run into?” the kid groans from the ground. He rubs at his face angrily before he looks up at Derek.

“Derek Hale..” the kid says breathlessly his eyes going comically wide.

Derek just glares at him then at his bags on the floor, one including fruit that he spent 30 minutes picking out. He even google ‘how to pick a good cantaloupe’. He feels a familiar feeling of rage settling like a dull ache in the pit of his stomach.

“You made me drop my fruit,” he deadpans.

The kid looks around at the bags on the ground. “Yeah looks like I did.”

Derek stares. “Well?”

He looks at Derek and stares opened mouth for a second and then gulps. “And I’m going to pick them up.” He nods and scrambles to his feet. “Of course I’m going to pick them up. After all it's only the polite thing to do when you run into someone going full speed and fall on your ass because they are built like a brick-goddamn- wall. Of course.” He rambles as he gathers the scattered fruit.

“Why were you running anyway?”Derek asks as the kid hands him one of the bags.

“Oh you know, just training for the summer olympics. You know trying to bring the gold home for good old USA,” He says and clicks his tongue while  making a finger gun at him.

Derek just glares.

“Okay…” He says and turns back to pick up the remaining groceries from the bag. “Someone spit in your bean curd. And you know you could help me.” He says looking over his shoulder and waving around one of the scented candles Derek bought. “This is your crap. And cucumber melon? Come on, you’re better than that.”

Derek steps forward and yanks the candle out of his hand, “You’re the one who knocked them out of my hands. And this is suppose to be calming!”

“Well go ahead and take a whiff and try it out Mr. Testy! Go ahead, I’ll wait.” The kid says. He stands up and points at the candle and then crosses his arms, waiting. “And you know they have cars for a reason,” He says waving one hand at the leftover items of Derek's groceries on the ground. “ Or shopping carts.

“You’re not suppose to take those,“ Derek says sulkily as he smells his candle because, and screw this kid, he likes it.

He’s about to tell him where he can shove his opinions when he hears someone yell from a distance.

“There he is!”

The kid looks shocked for a second and then looks over his shoulder to see who yelled.

“Shit, shit, shit,” he says as a group of boys start running in their direction.

“Look I’m sorry about your fruit but I gotta jet,” He says and starts to run. “Have fun with the candles and the bath salts, “ He says and there's a small smile playing on his lips.

Derek enjoys watching it fade as the kid slips and falls on a stray piece of fruit.

Thud. “Fuck!”

Derek smiles and bends to pick up the rest of his things and put them in his reusable bags, because karma.

“Where you goin now, Stilinski? You little bitch,” Derek looks up and the group of boys that called out earlier have closed in semi circle around the kid who scrambles to his feet and backs up in the only direction he can.

“Heeeeeeeeey buddies!” He says and tries to go for light hearted but his voice trembles slightly with anxiety. “Fancy seeing you guys around. You know I wish I can stay and chat,” He says as he continues to step back, “but I got this thing with… my cat and …”

Derek rolls his eyes, stands with his bags, and seconds later the kid is running into him again, apparently trying to make a quick retreat.

He falls to the ground again with a muffled groan and says “Are you fucking kidding me?”

One of the boys says,“ Get him,” and the kid jumps up and hides behind Derek.

“What the hell are you doing?” He asks trying to move away from whatever this stilinski is.

“Hello? Brick Wall, you’re my human shield.” He says, one hand gripped tightly around Derek’s bicep and the other curled in the fabric of his shirt.

“Don’t be a Punk, Stiles!” One of the boys yells as they come to stand in front of Derek.

“What the hell is a punk stiles?” Derek says distractedly, he should really use the internet more.

“That’s my name you idiot.” Stiles says and peaks around Derek to yell. “Come say it to our face!”

“Our?” Derek asks incredulously and looks over his shoulder to glare at him. “How is this an _our_ situation?”

“Dude, hello,” Stiles says, as if it were obvious. “Human shield!”

Derek is about to forcibly detach Stiles from his back when he hears. “Who is this? You’re boyfriend? We’ll kick his ass too.” And there is something about the way he says it, _boyfriend_ , like its a curse, that makes Derek's blood run cold.

Derek freezes and turns very slowly to look at the group of boys. “Oh shit.” Stiles mutters and willingly takes a step back from him.

“Is that so?” Derek asks and drops all of his grocery bags.

“And there go the bags,” Stiles says and runs his hand through his hair. “Ohhh damn. This … this is not good.”

“So what if he is my boyfriend,” Derek says. Stiles makes an awkward squawking noise behind him.

Derek walks slowly towards the group, chest heaving with deep, rapid breaths and adds, “You going to beat us up?”

The guy in front of the group takes a step forward to meet Derek and crosses his arms. Derek’s not that much taller than him, but the low growl in his throat makes the other guy shrink back noticeably.

The guy gulps loudly before he says, “No, we’ll let Stiles off the hook this time,” and then he laughs humorously. “We’ll just settle for beating _you_ into a pulp.” He says with about as much fervor as a baby kitten.

Derek smiles then and raises one meticulous eyebrow (because his self help books said self-grooming was step one) and says “You and what army?”

The guy looks behind him and his friends are running away down the street.  One of them yells “Sorry Jackson!” as they turn the corner.

Jackson turns back to look at Derek who grabs him by the shirt collar, lifts, and throws him against a parked car. The glass cracks a bit and Derek growls again. He pulls Jackson away from the the cracked window and glares at it and then at him.

“Now I have to leave a note!” He yells and then throws Jackson on the ground.

Jackson whimpers and struggles to his feet as Derek advances on him. “Stay away from him.” He says slowly. “If I ever hear that you’re messing with him again, I’ll exsanguinate you, understand?”

Jackson nods frantically and Derek says lowly. “ Get away from me.” And Jackson runs aways with a small whimper.

Derek turns back to his groceries and is about to bend and pick them up when he  looks up to see Stiles staring at him, mouth hanging open.

“What?” Derek snaps.

Stiles flinches a little and then stutters out. “ You …. your face. It’s … ummm well it’s different.” Stiles and then adds conversationally. “And your eyes are blue… like really blue!”

Derek looks at the car closest to him and in the reflection of the window he can see that he accidentally shifted into his beta form. Shit.

He shakes his head violently and changes back.

“HOLY SHIT!” Stiles yells excitedly and Derek pushes him against a different car. “Easy, Easy, _Easy_ , we don’t want to have to leave two notes now do we.”

“Shut up,” Derek says and grabs a fistful of Stiles shirt. “You didn’t see anything. Do you understand me?”

“Yeah, yeah, I got it,” Stiles says quickly before Derek’s grip could tighten. “I’m not going to say anything, scouts honor, mum’s the word. Here,” He says and lifts his hand with only a pinky extended. “I’ll even do a pinky promise.”

Derek rolls his eyes and lets Stiles go before walking back to his reusable bags to pick them up.

“You can’t just walk away from a man’s pinky promise, dude.” Stiles says, readjusting his clothes. “ It’s rude. Who taught you manners, Sideburns?”

Derek is about to respond but then thinks about his books. He’s pretty sure one of them has a chapter called ‘Turn The Other Cheek’, and promptly ignores Stiles in favor of making his bags more comfortable on his arms.

He starts to walk away and takes a deep breath, trying to clear his mind. Calming thoughts, cucumber melon, melon sherbet, the minty smelling shampoo the nice girl at the store helped him pick out.

“So like how does it work?”Stiles asks, breaking Derek out of his mental reverie.

He stops and stares at Stiles. “What are you doing?”

“Huh?” Stiles asks confused and then presses on. “The face thing how does it work.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Derek says and starts to walk again.

“Mean is it like some super power,” Stiles says as he  practically skips next to Derek.  “Were you bitten by a radioactive spider?”

“Spiderman, really?”

“Well I couldn’t really think of anything that is hairy and has glowing eyes so I said the first thing that came to my mind. Sue me!”

“What part of this conversation is going along with you not seeing anything ,” Derek snaps.

“Ah, you see,” Stiles exclaims and walks ahead of him.“ We didn’t pinky promise.” He says and holds out his hand, pinky extended, again.

Derek stops, grabs his pinky, and bends it back hard. Not enough to break it, but enough to prove a point.

Stiles appropriately falls to his knees with a howl of pain. “ Get your finger out of my face before I rip it off.” He says and lets him go then starts to walk again.

“Okay fine, fine!” Stiles says as he jogs up to meet with him. “I won’t talk about it again, even if it was AWESOME!”

Derek rolls his eyes and turns down the sidewalk leading to the entrance of the railroad depot.

“But I should mention that you totally didn’t leave a note on that car,” Derek sighs and  adjusts the bags on one of his arms to be able to shove the door of the depot open, but Stiles runs ahead of him . “No I’ll get it. Its the least I can do.” He says and tries to push at it.

“And don’t worry about the note,” He says changing sides to push at the door with the other shoulder and groans. “ I can totally go back and leave a note with Jackson’s info on it. hOW IS THIS EVEN A DOOR?”

Derek pushes him out of the way and pulls the door forward, shifts it to the left, and pushes the door open with a big shove and it opens.

“Well you didn’t tell me there was a cheat code,” Stiles grumbles before following behind him.

Derek walks over to the table in the makeshift kitchen area that he’s made for himself.

“God, what are we doing in this dump,” Stiles says and looks around  the depot with a slight wrinkle in his nose.

Derek slams one of the bags on the table.

“I am putting away my groceries,” He says reaching into one of the bags. “ _You_ are leaving.”

Stiles pauses and then walks over to the table and nods, looking around the place.

“You know, on second thought the grunge, homeless shelter look is in these days. I mean look at all those wooden pallets -- those are some nice wooden pallets. Think of all the DIY projects you can do,” Stiles says and reaches into one of the bags.

Derek struggles for a moment, deciding if he should ask about the types of projects Stiles is referring to, but he settles on grabbing Stiles wrist  and slowly pulling it out of the bag , tightening his grip as he does.

“Ah, AH!, Okay I get it no touchy the bubble bath,” Stiles says and nods quickly. Derek releases him and he rubs his wrist gently. “Have you considered Anger Management?”

“Why are you still here?” Derek says and slams his hand down on the table. There’s a loud, squelching crack and he and Stiles both look to the carton of eggs crushed under his hand. He looks back up to glare at Stiles.

“You made me break my eggs.” Derek accuses.

Stiles just stares at him and nods. “ Soooo... I’ll write the note and get more eggs. No prob-”

“Why are you still here?” Derek says again and walks over to a bucket of towels and grabs one to wipe his hand off.  “ Don’t you know what I am?” he asks and turns to face Stiles.

“I’m a big scary werewolf, which means you should be afraid of me.” Derek says and lets his eyes flash blue for dramatic effect. “So why. Are. You . Still. Here?”

“Because we’re friends,” Stiles says matter-of-factly. “And you’re not that scary.”

“No. We’re not.” Derek says with a heavy sigh, giving up.

“Dude, of course we are you saved my ass back there, I’m going to buy you new eggs and a non awful smelling candle. It works,” Stiles says, and because he has no self-preservation skills  he reaches back into the bag to start taking out some of the fruit.

Derek walks over to the subway car and reaches just inside to get a book on top of a large stack. He flips through the pages as he walks back towards Stiles. He finds a page then flips a bit past it and then rips a chunk out of the book.

He slams it down in front of Stiles and says “I’m not your friend. Now read that and get out.” He says and takes a basket of strawberries out of Stiles’ hand.

“Coming to terms with who you are : A guide to self exploration,” Stiles reads aloud and then looks at Derek. “Did you just rip a chapter out of a self-help book?”

Derek glares at him in answer.

“That so damn sweet,” Stiles says and smiles. “See! Friends!” He says and points excitedly between the two of them.

“I don’t like bullies,” Derek says curtly. “Especially homophobic ones. That’s why I helped you.” He adds a bit quieter.

Stiles is silent for a moment and then says, “So you think they were trying to beat me up because I’m gay?”

Derek looks up to meet his eyes and see’s him grinning like an idiot. “Nah, I was trying to teach Scott how to drive my stick shift, no pun intended” He says with a wink at Derek, “When he lost control in the parking lot and hit Jackson’s car. One of his cronies saw the hole thing and they’ve been chasing me since lacrosse practice,” he finishes with a shrug and leans against the table .

Derek doesn’t say anything at first then he just reaches into one of his grocery bags and pulls out some bananas and says, “ Well have fun with that. Get out.”

“Oh come on!” Stile says and grabs some more fruit and follows him to put it away. “ I can be helpful,” Stiles says and puts the fruit down on top of the other fruits. He’s putting them in, one-by-one, and nodding his head as to say ‘see... look how helpful I am’ and the last piece he puts down sends at least half of the fruit tumbling to the floor.

Stiles stares at the fruit and Derek stares at him and when he looks up Stiles sighs and says “Get out, yeah I know. But if I get killed on my way back to the school then it’s on your conscience. “

Derek starts to pick up the fruit as Stiles walks slowly towards the door.

“Look for me on the local news.” He says loudly.

“I don’t have a TV,” Derek counters.

“Fine,” Stiles says, making a face. “Look for me in the local paper.”

Derek rolls his eyes and puts the fruit in the bowl without causing it to topple over.

“Here I go,” Stiles calls behind him. “Walking to my demise. So young, so nubile,“ he adds dramatically.

Derek sighs heavily and calls on all the powers of good karma and says, “Stiles, wait.”

He grabs his car keys from the counter and holds them up for Stiles to see.

“I’ll drive you to your car.”

Stiles' triumphant fist pump in the air almost makes him reconsider.

“Karma, positive energy, good vibes.” He mutters to himself.

“Whatever helps you sleep at night, big guy,” Stiles says and pats him on the back as they walk out together.

oOo

The next day when Derek is coming back to the depot from a run he see’s a basket in front of the door.

He creeps slowly towards it and hovers over it for a second before reaching down to look at its contents.

Inside are two scented candles with sticky notes attached to them, one eucalyptus ( _for your bubble bath_ s) and one sour apple ( _for a sourwolf ;)_ ). There’s also a carton of eggs, a classified section of the newspaper with the apartment vacancies circled, and a large book of DIY projects.

Derek picks up the book and smiles softly. He opens it and on the first page finds another sticky note that reads:

_I saw the light in your eyes when I mentioned those pallets. See… best friends._

_ttyl -Stiles_

_303-555-2105_

Derek rolls his eyes, picks up the basket, and heads inside.

Once he’s put all the things in the basket away, he pulls out his phone to text the number Stiles wrote on the note.

_**what is ttyl?** he says and presses send._

_**And thank you for the book…** _ he types out and sends it quickly. _ **  
**_

A few minutes later there is a loud chirp from his phone and he picks it up to see a message from Stiles.

**_Hahaha n00b! It means talk to you later. What time should I come over to help you with the pallets. I’m done with Lacrosse at 7._ **

Derek is staring down at the phone, confused, when another text comes through.

**_I’ll bring pizza._ **

And then another.

**_Do you like mushrooms. Because I don’t but if you do i can deal because #bros_ **

“What the hell?” Derek mutters typing out a reply slowly, but he can’t press send before another text comes in.

**_or you know whatever you want to be. You know… in the spirit of Coming To Terms With Who You Are and all that jazz._ **

Derek stares at his phone.

 ** _You can be my guide to my self exploration too :o!_** Derek almost chokes on his tongue.

He definitely has a Stiles situation.

 ****  
-End-  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Guys help I have self-help!Derek feels. Like he has all those books because he has no one to talk to. Brb wallowing and my "i want to cuddle you bb" feelings.
> 
> Please leave a comment if you liked it! Or if you have self-help!Derek feels too. I can't be the only one. 
> 
> HE JUST WANTS A NORMAL LIFE.


End file.
